Chapter 19

My head was spinning, I don't know what to do anymore. 


I'm done with this. I can't handle it.


I walked into my bathroom with shaky legs, opened up my cabinet and got a sharp scissor out. I'm not sure what I was about to do. I held it to my face, crying and yelling more, until Fatma came in.


Fatma: "SARA LA2!" She grabbed the scissors away from me, I felt like a child again. 


I fell on the bathroom floor crying, Fatma tried so hard to pull me up and lay me on my bed, I helped by getting up and walking, almost tripping. 


I rested my head on the pillow not saying a word, Fatma got something from the kitchen and brought it to me, I sipped on the icy water as she wiped the tears from my cheeks. 


Fatma: "Sara laish chithe tsaween?"


Me: "Fatma" I started to cry again. 


Fatma: "Shh, latabcheen." she hugged me tight. 


Half an hour has past, Fatma only sat on the edge of the bed waiting for me to respond. 


Me: "Mnu shaf el9oora?" 


Fatma only looked at her hands. 


Me: "Tell me."


Fatma: "The whole grade." she said quickly. 


Me: "Fatma my reputation is ruined, I was so wrong to have even trusted her. Shloun barou7 elmadrisa al7een?! Shagoul 7ag ubooy?" I buried my face into my hands. 


Fatma: "Ubooch shaf the picture of you and 3aziz on the beach, mashaf el thanya." 


Me: "Elthanya? I look like a slut! I AM a slut! Laish chithe sawait, laish?!" tears started streaming down my cheeks nonstop. 


She hugged me again, Fatma couldn't say anything.. 


I looked at the alarm clock next to my bedside table, 10:36pm. 


Me: "Fatma, elwakt mit2akher rou7ay elbait."


Fatma: "Mani ray7a elbait."


Me: "Fatma shoufay cham elsa3a rou7ay! Wayhich daykh."


Fatma: "I'm not leaving you here alone, not with something sharp 20 inches away from you!" she looked at the scissors lying on the floor. 


I sighed, "I wasn't going to do anything."


Fatma: "3ayal laish maskita yam rassich?" 


Me: "Kint bagi9 sha3re killa."


Fatma: "Haw? Laish?" she looked at my hair that fell beneath my shoulders.


Me: "You'll think I'm dumb if I told you." 


Fatma: "I don't think I want to know." 


Me: "Hah, okay yallah.. goodnight."


I layed on my bed, Fatma still didn't leave, instead she closed the lights and slept on the couch. 


Me: "Fatma! Umich tadre a9lan?!"


Fatma: "Ee tadre!" 


I laughed.


Fatma: "Zain tha7aktay!" 


I can't believe I had a friend this loyal and supportive, tomorrow I'd walk the gates to face the whole grade filled with fake girls and judgmental b*tches including Shoug, but I don't have to walk alone. If it was someone else other than Fatma, I'm pretty sure they'd run off because they're scared of their reputation. 


Since my mother's death, my dad shut off. Like literally shut off. He didn't speak to us like he used to, he didn't smile nor laugh. He was like a robot, eat, sleep, work, pray and then repeat the same cycle over and over again.. And as for M7amad? Let's just say most of his money was wasted on cigarettes.


I was lonely and I didn't have anyone. At the time Fatma didn't really understand my situation, and I was too scared to tell my friends the problems I was facing. But after I met 3aziz and grew closer to him? I told him everything. Every single detail about me and my life. He was there for me, but I figured out it was just an act. 


I didn't really know why I felt like I wanted to chop off my hair? Maybe because my whole life I wore it super long, through the death of my mother, meeting 3aziz, and Shoug's disaster. Everyone loved it, including my mother, 3aziz, and Shoug. It kind of symbolizes me. It may sound stupid but only someone that has gone through these things would understand. 


People who went through self harming would understand as well. And now, I understand what they've been going through. 


Before 3aziz, I used to judge people that had "boyfriends/girlfriends". But now I don't, you should walk in someone's shoes, and then decide what you think of them. 


I clicked my phone and the picture appeared again. 


I'm not going to cry. 


3aziz's arm was extended, it snaked all over my shoulder. His other hand was on my lap. I was smiling at him, and he looked at the camera's lens. 


I remember when I took this, it was the second month we were together.. I got way too excited.I'm not proud of what I've done, I really am not. But I'm willing to forget all about this and move on. 


Step by step, starting with Shoug.